Saturday, August 30, 2008

Frustrations

Lately I think I've lost the will to fight. Things just seem to be spinning out of control. Life is hellbent on proving to me just who's in charge. It shuts doors, I open windows. It shuts windows, I bang really hard on the walls and open up a hole. It seals up the hole and I'm just about ready blast the whole damn place up and for once make life happen on my terms. And yet, I cant remember the last time that that happened.

I am tired of struggling so hard. Of making big sacrifices to attain every small thing I want. Of paying big prices to earn small rewards. I am tired of constantly falling. And even more tired of picking myself up when I fall. I am tired of saying "it's going to be okay" or pretending it's going to get better, and giving myself false hope. I am tired of pretending to be okay when I call home. Of acting big, bad and brave. When all I really want to do is cry and sob. I'm not strong. And I'm not courageous. And I'm tired of fighting it all the time. I'm perfectly content to lose and let go.

I hate it when my sis calls and asks for advice. And I hate it worse when I have nothing but false hope to give back. I'm tired of being depended on. I am fed up of being looked up to. And I dont want anyone to count on me anymore. I'm not perfect. And I hate it when you all shower your high expectations on me. I'm tired of trying to make things happen. Of trying to change the way things are. Of trying to make miracles happen.

A huge part of me just doesnt care anymore. And yet, I care. Enough to feel embarassed that I feel this way. And I worry. And I wonder what you would say if you knew just how frustrated I feel...if you knew just how tired I really am.

6 comments:

Alok said...

Of late, I have learnt or maybe am still learning that “we are greater than our thoughts … or I can say those experiences of life”. Nevertheless time plays a major role in it. I believe there can not be a defined path to this journey of life but certainly it defines ‘who we are?’

And most of the times we wonder how this journey by itself helps us to walk through others life, in & out with a 'ray of hope'. And I believe it always finds its own ways to rejuvenate the life and keep us moving. So don’t ever think you are lost.

Cuckoo said...

Exactly my words you have etched out.
This is a phase, will phase out but not before giving you a tough testing time which will leave you wondering about so many different aspects of a thing called 'life'.

Keep posting, I am reading all your stuff but I am a miser when it comes to commenting. :P

Cuckoo

Dust Unsettled said...

Life shows us its many different facets...

Sometimes, the picture looks too rosy, too stunning... we feel we can do anything and everything... It looks almost unbelievable and untrue.

While, at other times, it all looks so dark and gloomy... Nothing goes our way and strangely it seems so real and eternal...

But everything passes, this too shall pass...

In Nida Fazli's words:
Gham ho ki khushi dono, kuchh der ke saathi hai,
Phir rastaa hi rastaa hai, hasna hai naa rona hai...

~vagabond~ said...

When I wrote this blog, I was in extremely low spirits, and I wrote simply because I wanted not, and not giving any thought to who might read it or what they might say or think. I was so touched when I came back here and read these kind words from strangers who barely know me...giving me comfort, encouragement and hope.
@ Alok: I dont know if these experiences I am going through are making me redefine who I am...but they certainly are making me giving the whole "who am I" a lot of thought. I'm lost for now, but I know its only a matter of time before I find myself. :)
@ Cuckoo: I know, I know, it's a phase. Did I mention patience is not my strongest virtue? :)
@ Dust: I've never heard of Nida Fazil, but those are beautiful lines. And just what I needed to read. Thank you for making me change my perspective.

Right. Now that we've gotten all the rona dhona out of my system, we shall never speak of this embarrasing dramatic outburst of emotions again. Erm. Unless I have one of those episodes again. In which case we will all act cool and pretend this never happened.

Lakshmi said...

I agree with alok..we are greater than those thoughts..also these thoughts teach us a thing or two..I went through a phase too and I can understand the feelings..Its a phase and dont pay too much attention to all those negative thoughts that come out..let them out of your system and feel the inner strength again..Pls read the reply to your comment on my post

~vagabond~ said...

^ Thanks. I did read it, and it's like it was written just for me. :)