Epiphany

There's a simple solution to my complex problems. Just let go.

For a while now, I've been dissecting my misfortunes, placing them under a microscope and picking at them with dissecting needles, teasing them apart, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong, how I could possibly have avoided the situation I am in, and on and on. No I'm not a masochist. But my analytical little head needs a reason. The fact that shit happens is just not a good enough answer for it. The voices in my head demand to know why the shit happened in the first place. It's what years of being a scientist does to you.

So I tried assigning blame. Just so that I would have a reason. Just to make the voices in my head shut up. I blamed myself. I blamed people I love. I blamed random strangers that had nothing to do with my problems in the first place. I blamed God. And the universe in general for conspiring against me and making me so miserable. And the voices in my head finally shut up. Because I'd given them the good, solid, analytical reasons they needed. But I was still miserable and unhappy inside.

So I figured miserable and unhappy was the way things were meant to be. And I moped in it. I whined. I grumbled. And I blogged about it. And when things went from bad to worse, I allowed for them to be. Because that was how things were meant to be. I played the destiny card. Things were the way they were because that's how they were meant to be. Unhappy is how I was meant to be. I was going through a bad phase, I reasoned. And that gave me permission to be miserable, mopey and grumpy.

So mopey, grumpy and I went to the park with the dogs yesterday. And I was playing tug-on-a-rope with Charlie, my german shepherd, when the great big epiphany hit me. Okay, so bear with me here. I know it's not like I discovered a new law in physics, but still when it hit me, it seemed pretty huge. And for all you so-wise-and-philosophical ones, if you've known this all along, play along with me here, this is MY moment under the sun.

It suddenly struck me how this tug-on-a-rope game that I was playing with Charlie was so similar to what life and me had been playing all along. I pull in one direction, and life pulls harder in the opposite direction. I want it to go one way. It wants me to go completely in the opposite direction. We both hold our ground and pull the rope, struggling with all our might. In the end going nowhere. I get frustrated and angry and tug harder on the rope, and then suddenly it dawns on me. That all I have to do to make this sick, frustrating game end is to let go.

Perhaps the reason it took so long for this epiphany to dawn on me is the fact that I am such a control freak. Letting go simply wasnt an option I had considered. Because letting go meant letting someone else or something else take charge. And that scares the daylights out of me. I mean, I cant even trust someone else to drop the mail in the post office for me, because they wont do it right, and I'm talking letting go. This is huge.

But I'm finally ready to do it. I'm ready to stop being such a control freak and just let go and let things be the way they are. Sure, it'll drive me crazy when things dont go my way. But I'm not going to tug and pull and fret over them anymore. I'm going to go with the flow. And not struggle so much to make things go my way. Who knows, perhaps I'll even like the new direction that life pulls me in. And if I dont, it's not the end of the world. I'll just pick myself up and walk away. Life and I arent going to tug-on-a-rope anymore. Because I simply let go. And I'm ready to move on.

So here's to letting go. Letting go of situations I cant avoid, people I cant change, things that are clearly beyond my control. I refuse to let them bother me. And turns out, shit happens is now a good enough answer for me.


~vagabond~ © 2008

Frustrations

Lately I think I've lost the will to fight. Things just seem to be spinning out of control. Life is hellbent on proving to me just who's in charge. It shuts doors, I open windows. It shuts windows, I bang really hard on the walls and open up a hole. It seals up the hole and I'm just about ready blast the whole damn place up and for once make life happen on my terms. And yet, I cant remember the last time that that happened.

I am tired of struggling so hard. Of making big sacrifices to attain every small thing I want. Of paying big prices to earn small rewards. I am tired of constantly falling. And even more tired of picking myself up when I fall. I am tired of saying "it's going to be okay" or pretending it's going to get better, and giving myself false hope. I am tired of pretending to be okay when I call home. Of acting big, bad and brave. When all I really want to do is cry and sob. I'm not strong. And I'm not courageous. And I'm tired of fighting it all the time. I'm perfectly content to lose and let go.

I hate it when my sis calls and asks for advice. And I hate it worse when I have nothing but false hope to give back. I'm tired of being depended on. I am fed up of being looked up to. And I dont want anyone to count on me anymore. I'm not perfect. And I hate it when you all shower your high expectations on me. I'm tired of trying to make things happen. Of trying to change the way things are. Of trying to make miracles happen.

A huge part of me just doesnt care anymore. And yet, I care. Enough to feel embarassed that I feel this way. And I worry. And I wonder what you would say if you knew just how frustrated I feel...if you knew just how tired I really am.

The gypsy

A free spirited gypsy from a previous life lives on within me. Ever restless, she beckons me toward change. Fiercely rebellious, she craves freedom. The constraints of my caged life torment her. Rambling clouds, soaring eagles, unbridled horses, she shows me, all roam free. The shackles on my feet turn to glistening anklets as she dances through my life watching the red, blue, yellow caravans of life pass us by. Breathing in the now, living in this moment. The sunshine on her face, the breeze through her hair, all awaken her soul and light up her smile. She loves the open road with its endless possibilities. My life with its one destination scares her. I envy her careless freedom, her reckless spirit. If just for one lifetime, I long to be her.

~vagabond~ © 2008

The Meeting

Would he still recognize me? Will he have changed? Would he be a different person now than he was before? The last time I had seen him I was an awkward teenager. A shy fourteen year old. And I was with my parents. That makes all the difference. Because back then, they did all the talking to him and I just filled in the gaps. Even so, he always knew how to bring me out of my shell. He has always been a vibrant man. Full of energy, the life of the party. When he was in a room, you heard his loud laughter before you even entered the room.

My mum has four brothers, I have four uncles, each with a personality completely different from the other. If you met them separately, you would never guess they are brothers. But for me, my Dineshmama was always the one who knew me best.

Riding along in the car, waiting for the moment of reunion after fifteen years, all sorts of memories swarmed through my head. It's funny how the most inane memories that lay buried and forgotten over the years suddenly resurface when a familiar name comes to mind. I try to tell people about him and the first image that comes to my mind is of him holding a rat by its tail chasing my cousin brother and I around the house with a mischevious glint in his eyes while we kids shrieked loudly, running around the house. I had come across the rat quite by surprise, fumbling around for my slippers under the stairwell in my grandma's house and shouted loudly for mama to come get rid of it. And then there's the day he saw us feeding a goat with vegetable peelings, and dared us to go pull on its tail. Yup. Only my Dineshmama would come up with silly pranks like that. And yet, he was gentle and kind too. Like the day I got scolded by mum and he saw me crying and took me out for a motorbike ride and some icecream. Or the day he sneaked in a stray puppy into the house just because us kids wanted him to. My grandma would be horrified if she knew.

Over the years, we grew distant. My trips to India became fewer and far in between. Other things in my life took precedence. Studies. Career. Friends. Other relationships. In a quiet unassuming way, our worlds grew apart. The relationship that could have been grew silent. Until yesterday. When I got the phone call to come see him in Chicago.

The bizarreness of it all wouldnt leave me. It felt strange and awkward to be meeting the ghost of a man that I remembered only through memories. And here in America of all places, when all I had known of him was in India. It felt disorienting and bizarre. And yet, I was excited to see him after all these years. And nervous.

What would I say to him? What would we talk about? I havent seen him in years. I have nothing to say to him. Ofcourse, we'd talk about my aunt and my cousins. He would ask about my parents and I would ask about my grandma. But what else was there to say? He doesnt know anything about my life here. And I know even less about his. He doesnt know me. And I dont know him.

I saw him before he saw me. Time always stands still in our memories. We expect the people in our memories to stay the same, to dress as they did before, to look as they did years ago. When I saw him look so old and tired and frail, I couldnt believe it was him. The years have been harsh to him. His health hasnt been keeping up well, so I've heard. I wondered if I should even have come. Time changes people. Or rather people change over time. Would he be cold and formal? Would this be awkward? I shouldnt even have come.

He rushed over toward me when he saw me. His eyes welled up with tears as he embraced me. "You look just like your mother", he said. He placed a paternal hand over my head and asked me softly, "Everything okay, beta?". And in that one gentle moment of care and concern, I knew it was going to be okay. I was glad I had come to see him. I knew it wasnt going to be cold and formal. I knew it wouldnt be awkward. Because two alienated strangers had once again become family.

~vagabond~ © 2008

I did it!

I've wanted to do it for a while...and now I've finally gone ahead and done it.
Check it out!

Are you still here?
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What part of Check it out! did you not get?
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Why are you still here reading this?
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Aren't you the least bit curious about what lies there?
...

Just go ahead, do it.

Click on the link.

Do it now. Geeeez.

Just, DO IT.

Phaah! Fine. Have it your way, then. DONT do it. But then you'll never know what it's all about.





:D
Ok, ok...so it was a cheesy, lame attempt to make you go from here to there.

But admit it, I made you look, didnt I? :P

The Bucket List

I watched the movie 'The Bucket List' last night and loved it! The movie voiced out what I've always said to myself...that I do not want to wait till I'm old and gray and dying to start doing all the things that I've always wanted to do before I "kick the bucket".

About a year ago, on my birthday I was roaming around a bookstore looking for a good book to buy (my favorite way to spend birthday cash) when I came across a book titled "100 things to do before you die". I fell in love with the concept of the book but ended up not buying it. Not because I didnt think the ideas in the book weren't great things to do, but because I wanted to compile my own list of things that I want to do before I die...unbiased and unprejudiced by the ideas in the book. Maybe it was the book, maybe it was the fact that I was turning a year older, maybe the fact that life just felt like a blur, or maybe just all the coffee gushing through my veins...but I sat down in the bookstore last year on my birthday and compiled an earnest list of all the things I want to do before I die.

Is it a coincidence then that I watched this movie that revolves around the same concept last night, two days before my birthday? Maybe the universe is trying to remind me of my own bucket list...and maybe it's time to bring out the list, scratch off some of what's been done and add some of what needs to be done.

My Bucket List:

(yes, yes, I do realize a lot of it revolves around travelling...but then again, that really IS pretty much all I want to do before I die)

1. Climb a pyramid in Egypt.
2. Drive a dune buggy full speed up and down a sand dune.
3. Eat an authentic plate of tahjin in Morocco.
4. Take a photo in front of the Taj Mahal.
5. Go white water rafting on the Colorado River.
6. Do a road trip through the American Southwest.
7. Take my parents and sister on an all paid for surprise trip to a place they have never been to.
8. Sponsor a child's education all the way from elementary school into college.
9. Adopt a dog from an animal shelter.
10. Learn to drive a stick shift jeep.
11. Ride a motorbike through the Kyber Pass-Ladakh.
12. See a volcano up close.
13. Learn to canoe.
14. Hike down the Grand Canyon.
15. Visit an archaeological dig.
16. Take a photography class.
17. Eat cajun food in the french quarter of New Orleans.
18. Go scuba diving.
19. Eat a cuban sandwich in Miami.
20. Visit Chinatown in NYC.
21. Trace down my genealogy.
22. Visit a monastery in Tibet.
23. Explore the Sof Omar caves in Ethiopia.
24. Ride on a camel (okay, okay so I already did this one but I was only five years old and cant remember what it felt like).
25. Go backpacking around South America.
26. Roam around the Mayan ruins.
...and the list will go on every year as I age, with new items added on, and some items cancelled off.

Note to self whenever you come back here to read this:
Too much of our life is wasted in waiting for the right moment and right opportunity to start doing the things you love to do. But the truth is there is no right moment to do all those things other than right now. True, some of the things on this list will take years before they get cancelled off. True, there will be compromises, sacrifices, detours involved in the living of life. But with every compromise, sacrifice and detour, remind yourself of where it is that you really are headed and what really is important in life. Try not to get absorbed in the little things that take you off the road. And above all, when the opportunity presents itself to you in your now, dont wait for a better tomorrow to live that moment...grab it with both hands, and live it in your now.

Note to all those lurking about here reading this:
Got a bucket list of your own? Do share. ;)

© ~vagabond~ 2008

Lonely

It was a quiet hike in the early hours of the morning. Not a soul around in sight. Just me, and the quiet trickle of the cold water sloshing around my feet. Every breath I took, every pebble I upturned, every sound I made, echoed and reverberated off the tall, grand canyon walls. I stood lost in the winding tunnels carved by time. Occasional sunshine filtering in. Silence pierced by the squawk of an eagle cruising the winds way up high. It could have been a cold, lonely walk, but we had each other...my loneliness and I.

© ~vagabond~ 2008


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PS. This is my contribution to Cuckoo's photoblog topic of the month.

Photo: Personal collection, taken on a hike down the Narrows, Zion National Park, Utah.

This image may not be reproduced without permission from the owner of this blog...and if you ask nicely, I may just say yes.